Thursday, February 16, 2012

Lately

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little down. The holidays are over…it’s back to the grind and the weather can’t make up its mind. I am tired of its indecisiveness. One day it is freezing and we are bundling up and making hot chocolate and the next we are looking for our short sleeves and leaving the coats at home. It has been like this all winter.

Anyway…whatever.

That isn’t my problem. In fact, I wish that was my problem. It would be easier than dealing with the fact that I gave birth to a dead baby 4 months ago. I miss Isla. I miss being pregnant with Isla, even though I didn’t necessarily enjoy being pregnant…the hope I had in my heart was a good feeling. I miss the anticipation and excitement of meeting her and planning for her arrival. Instead, I am back to square 1. Hoping and wondering if I will get pregnant again….calculating dates and just…waiting. I feel a sense of anxiety to continue on with my plan of expanding our family. I want so badly to reassure Emma that she will have a brother or sister….a little baby to help take care of, that she so desperately wants.  I also know that the minute I see 2 lines on that stick (IF I am actually lucky enough to see that again) the anxiety is going to multiply. Like tenfold. So here I am. Anxious to get pregnant, yet knowing  more anxiety also awaits. It’s hard to find contentment in this situation. My family was supposed to be complete going into 2012. Now, it’s up in the air and I find myself feeling a bit uneasy lately about my state of discontent. I desperately don’t want to find myself in a state of depression. Been there, done that. After my Mom died of Creutzfeldt-Jakob’s disease in 2000…..I muddled through the few years following her death before I realized I needed help. I couldn’t be prouder of myself for finding my way out of that dark hole of sadness….but I worry about going back. If anything could bring me back there, it is the loss of Isla. I feel like I got great counseling to work through the grief of losing my Mom and I have been applying  those tools to my grief over Isla’s passing. Again, I have to be thankful for Emma and Todd for requiring me to be  mom and wife on a daily basis…thus forcing me out of bed and making me function.

Anyway….thanks for reading and letting me feel sorry for myself. I usually try and exude a positive nature and hope for happiness. But I am just not feeling that this week. Sometimes, you just have to be at the bottom to see your way to the top. I knew there would be ups and downs in this journey and I remain hopeful and positive that there are good times to come.



9 comments:

  1. For some reason 4 months out was especially difficult for me a well. I think it's just about now that the numbness really wears off and the harsh reality really sets in.

    Sometimes it's ok to feel sorry for yourself. Especially when you've been through something as tragic as losing a child. So don't be so hard on yourself. You need to experience the down days as much as you need to experience the not so down days. They are all a normal part of grief.

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    1. Thank you. I really appreciate your support. Trying to be gentle with myself and take it a day at a time. :-)

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  2. I went through the same thing with my second pregnancy. The anxiety is enough to drive you mad!! Don't let ANYONE tell you calm down or not be nervous. People used to tell me that the second baby will be fine, HOW DO THEY KNOW????? She turned out fine, but my anxiety is still present. After losing a child, I am still scared to death I will lose my second child too. I hope your anxiety is met with a healthy baby soon and all the happiness that comes with it. HUGS!!!

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  3. Hi Katy,

    I found you through Faces of Loss. I can relate to you in so many ways. I am sorry for the loss of your little Isla. Such a cute name by the way! I lost my little guy Jonas the day before he was due on June 11, 2010. I had a 4 year old son that was so excited to meet his brother. The hardest part of Jonas dying was trying to explain to my 4 year old Jack that his brother was not coming home. Jack asked me so many times if I could try to get him another brother or sister. I told him I could try, but there were no guarantees. We were blessed with another little boy that was born this past May 2011. Don't give up hope. And know that Isla will be doing her best to send another sibling your way :) I am here for you if you need me. And I am also sorry about the loss of your Mom. My father passed away several years ago and I too found all the grief counseling I learned many years ago was so useful in dealing with the loss of Jonas. You have such a cute family. Hugs to you.

    Jen

    http://jcubedplus.blogspot.com/p/jonas-story.html

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    1. Jen...thank you so much for your kind words and for reaching out. I am going to check out your blog and read your story...

      I am fairly new to the blogging world and just starting to "meet" other Mom's in my situation...the support is incredible. And while I hate why we are all connected, it's nice have the support.

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  4. Katy, I think of you often and pray that peace will be yours. Grief is a journey, one full of unpredictable twists and turns. I hated the days that fell out of nowhere; sadness that overwhelmed. This winter has been a difficult one for us as it has held Elle's half birthday...we had no idea that would be hard but oh it has been. I love what you said above, you hate that we are connected but it's nice to have the support...I feel the same way. I wish I didn't know you but I'm glad that I do. We will continue to pray for you and your family as you travel thru this first year not too far behind us...

    Nicki

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    1. Thank you Nicki...glad to get to know you despite our sad circumstances. Thinking of you and wishing you peace as well.

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