It has been a while since I have written. I visit here often though, because I have links to all my favorite blogs that I follow on a regular basis. I just haven’t really had anything significant to say since my last post about Isla’s 1st birthday. Honestly, I have been waiting and hoping for an opportunity to post good news about expanding our family and turn this into a happy place to document our happy ending. But that opportunity has not come. It is something I struggle with on a monthly basis, every time I don’t get the news I so desperately hope for. At times I feel like I am just in a holding pattern…waiting…waiting…waiting, not feeling fully complete and that this sadness and yearning to hold another baby in my arms has defined me over the past year and a half. I have been holding on to the notion that the only thing that could fill the hole in my heart that Isla left is another pregnancy. It has dulled my spirit a little bit.
I visited my Doctor last month to have a talk with her about my struggles. She acknowledged how hard it must be even though she doesn't actually know how it feels (she was a firsthand witness to the heartbreak when she delivered Isla’s lifeless body). She encouraged me to try and relax a little because being stressed out just doesn't help. She still feels strongly that I am capable of having a healthy pregnancy despite a stillbirth and subsequent miscarriage.
Todd often reminds me that I have no control over what the future holds as far as adding to our family. He is right. The truth is that I already have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful and supportive husband that stands by my side and treats me like a Princess…he is truly my best friend. I have a beautiful, precious, sweet daughter, who is the absolute light of my life…my little sidekick! We have a lovely home, good, stable jobs and everything we could need in life and most important…we have love, we have fun, we laugh….and have the best time together as a family, no matter what we are doing. So my birthday wish, as I begin my 38th year is to live in the present, being happy, healthy and appreciative of all the good that surrounds me, with faith that the best is yet to come in our future, whether it is the 3 of us or more!