Wednesday, May 23, 2012


I stood in my kitchen tonight, baking cupcakes for a small celebration we are having at home tomorrow night, in honor of Emma’s graduation from Pre-K at Bright Horizons/Georgia Power. As I mixed together the butter, sugar, flour, vanilla and other ingredients, I thought back  - a bit teary eyed -  to almost 4 years ago (July 08) when I tentatively dropped Emma off in the Mulberry Classroom with a bunch of “strangers” to take care of her. She had spent the past 16 months of her life at home with me while I worked a “Virtual Recruiter” position, allowing me to work from home and keep her by my side. It was a strange feeling to leave her to the care of others as I made my way to the office for the first time in over 2 years. As the days went on, though, Emma thrived. She made friends, she engaged in activities, she learned to drink from a cup, made milkshakes, colored pictures, and the “seed” was planted for a lifelong desire to learn and grow. She learned to sing songs, count to ten, recite the alphabet, etc, etc. And my fears of leaving her with strangers went out the window. These “strangers” became like family as I became involved in the center as a member of the parent partner committee. 

Over the years, Emma did have some issues with drop off…separation, from me, especially was always a little hard on her. But, admittedly, I always had a hard time walking away without just “one more hug and kiss”!! As Emma progressed through the center through the 2’s classroom, preschool and pre-k, I couldn’t have been happier with my decision to go back to work and send her off to “daycare”…or what we have called from the beginning, “school”! As a family, it has been an invaluable experience and I couldn’t be prouder to be part of the Bright Generations graduating class of 2012!!

Emma's very first day...

Graduation pic...

Oh My Goodness! I am so glad that we still have until August until Emma goes to Kindergarten! I am going to miss my Bright Horizons/Bright Generations family and the love and support they have given us over the years. 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mother's Day 2012

I remember my first Mother’s Day without my Mom. May, 2001. I had recently moved to Atlanta and was navigating through life without a mother, and no family nearby. One day I was walking through the mall and felt as if the signs, banners, advertisements and window displays reminding us not to forget our Moms, were taunting me. In fact , it really pissed me off. I had this self righteous feeling of how dare this day be thrown in my face while I was mourning the recent loss of my own Mother. As the years went by, I learned to replace the anger, and honor her by focusing on the positive aspects of our special Mother-Daughter relationship and what she meant to my family. After all, I had a GREAT Mom who loved us with every sense of her being.  It was an honor to be her daughter and I absolutely treasure the memories of times we spent together. She is with me always. Not only in my heart, but as a mentor, gently guiding me from afar.

As Mother’s Day approaches this year, I find myself feeling a mixture of emotions. There is the sadness of my first Mother’s Day after having lost a child. It is certainly sad to celebrate being a Mom and not have Isla with me. On the other hand, I feel more grateful than ever to be a Mom to Emma. She is the brightest light in my life and I am so thankful and proud to be her Mother.

I also have to take a moment to acknowledge something that makes me so sad. This year, more than ever, I honor the women who want a child so badly, but cannot get pregnant…and those who lost their first child (whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss) and are facing this mother’s day as a painful reminder of such. I pray with all my heart that these women can find peace within, and are given the ultimate gift…motherhood and a baby to love.

Peace, love and blessings to all…

Me and my beautiful Mom...

Me and my "Emmers"...

Me and Isla @36 weeks. One of our last photos together...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

An update...sort of

It has been a while since I have written, so I wanted to post an update. I really do want to keep this blog running…and I don’t feel as if I have dedicated enough time to doing so.
The truth is I miss Isla lately and the dream that died with her. Last night I was flipping through my 2011 planner/calendar pages and everything was so happy as we were anticipating her arrival. I am trying to get pregnant again and it seems to be taking longer than I care to wait. I know that another baby is not going to replace Isla…but I am anxious to complete my family, and I am anxious to give Emma the sibling she so desperately wants. I am anxious to get pregnant again to reassure myself that I am not suddenly infertile….and that I wasn’t not meant to have another child. Mostly, I long for another baby to share the love of my wonderful family. We have so much to give. Sometimes when Todd and Emma and I are all together, laughing or having a good time, I feel so sad that Isla missed out on being a part of our family and the good times we would have all had together. It is just so damn sad and heartbreaking. We were SO close to having her here with us.
Anyway, I have these ups and downs, which I am pretty sure is normal, especially during the first year. Feel like recent posts on this blog have been a little sad (like this one) but I am mostly doing ok.  I am fortunate to have a loving and supportive husband in Todd, and my little Emma who absolutely lights up my life. There is nothing better or more comforting to me than having them to go home to at night, and share our family moments together.  
Thanks to everyone who reads this and offers support! The amount of support in the “Baby Loss” community is incredible and I intend to be better at keeping up and maybe even changing a few things around on my blog.