Lately, I’ve been feeling a little down. The holidays are over…it’s back to the grind and the weather can’t make up its mind. I am tired of its indecisiveness. One day it is freezing and we are bundling up and making hot chocolate and the next we are looking for our short sleeves and leaving the coats at home. It has been like this all winter.
That isn’t my problem. In fact, I wish that was my problem. It would be easier than dealing with the fact that I gave birth to a dead baby 4 months ago. I miss Isla. I miss being pregnant with Isla, even though I didn’t necessarily enjoy being pregnant…the hope I had in my heart was a good feeling. I miss the anticipation and excitement of meeting her and planning for her arrival. Instead, I am back to square 1. Hoping and wondering if I will get pregnant again….calculating dates and just…waiting. I feel a sense of anxiety to continue on with my plan of expanding our family. I want so badly to reassure Emma that she will have a brother or sister….a little baby to help take care of, that she so desperately wants. I also know that the minute I see 2 lines on that stick (IF I am actually lucky enough to see that again) the anxiety is going to multiply. Like tenfold. So here I am. Anxious to get pregnant, yet knowing more anxiety also awaits. It’s hard to find contentment in this situation. My family was supposed to be complete going into 2012. Now, it’s up in the air and I find myself feeling a bit uneasy lately about my state of discontent. I desperately don’t want to find myself in a state of depression. Been there, done that. After my Mom died of Creutzfeldt-Jakob’s disease in 2000…..I muddled through the few years following her death before I realized I needed help. I couldn’t be prouder of myself for finding my way out of that dark hole of sadness….but I worry about going back. If anything could bring me back there, it is the loss of Isla. I feel like I got great counseling to work through the grief of losing my Mom and I have been applying those tools to my grief over Isla’s passing. Again, I have to be thankful for Emma and Todd for requiring me to be mom and wife on a daily basis…thus forcing me out of bed and making me function.
Anyway….thanks for reading and letting me feel sorry for myself. I usually try and exude a positive nature and hope for happiness. But I am just not feeling that this week. Sometimes, you just have to be at the bottom to see your way to the top. I knew there would be ups and downs in this journey and I remain hopeful and positive that there are good times to come.