Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Reminder

I found this on Pinterest last night and it really struck me because lately I have found myself in a bit of an emotional "rut".

 This reminded me to take life "a day at a time". 

The only thing I have to add is that if you are not happy with where you are, you cannot wallow in self pity and expect things to change if you keep doing the same thing. I see this as a reminder that sometimes we find ourselves in a place that we don't want to be, and it is OK because sometimes it just helps us to focus on where we want to go and what we need to do to get there, and not expect change to happen overnight. 

Here's to happier days ahead. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Lately, I’ve been feeling a little down. The holidays are over…it’s back to the grind and the weather can’t make up its mind. I am tired of its indecisiveness. One day it is freezing and we are bundling up and making hot chocolate and the next we are looking for our short sleeves and leaving the coats at home. It has been like this all winter.


That isn’t my problem. In fact, I wish that was my problem. It would be easier than dealing with the fact that I gave birth to a dead baby 4 months ago. I miss Isla. I miss being pregnant with Isla, even though I didn’t necessarily enjoy being pregnant…the hope I had in my heart was a good feeling. I miss the anticipation and excitement of meeting her and planning for her arrival. Instead, I am back to square 1. Hoping and wondering if I will get pregnant again….calculating dates and just…waiting. I feel a sense of anxiety to continue on with my plan of expanding our family. I want so badly to reassure Emma that she will have a brother or sister….a little baby to help take care of, that she so desperately wants.  I also know that the minute I see 2 lines on that stick (IF I am actually lucky enough to see that again) the anxiety is going to multiply. Like tenfold. So here I am. Anxious to get pregnant, yet knowing  more anxiety also awaits. It’s hard to find contentment in this situation. My family was supposed to be complete going into 2012. Now, it’s up in the air and I find myself feeling a bit uneasy lately about my state of discontent. I desperately don’t want to find myself in a state of depression. Been there, done that. After my Mom died of Creutzfeldt-Jakob’s disease in 2000…..I muddled through the few years following her death before I realized I needed help. I couldn’t be prouder of myself for finding my way out of that dark hole of sadness….but I worry about going back. If anything could bring me back there, it is the loss of Isla. I feel like I got great counseling to work through the grief of losing my Mom and I have been applying  those tools to my grief over Isla’s passing. Again, I have to be thankful for Emma and Todd for requiring me to be  mom and wife on a daily basis…thus forcing me out of bed and making me function.

Anyway….thanks for reading and letting me feel sorry for myself. I usually try and exude a positive nature and hope for happiness. But I am just not feeling that this week. Sometimes, you just have to be at the bottom to see your way to the top. I knew there would be ups and downs in this journey and I remain hopeful and positive that there are good times to come.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day!

I have gained some new followers since my story was posted on the Faces of Hope, Faces of Loss Website. Welcome to you all and thank you for your comments and support. As I have time, I am also checking out your blogs as well.

Today is Valentines Day and it seems there are mixed emotions from people about this day and what it means. Some feel it is a contrived "Hallmark Holiday" created to make money off the suckers who buy in to the hype (like ME!!!!!) I for one, have always loved Valentine's Day. I love the pink and red, the hearts, flowers and chocolates and having an excuse to make the day a little more special than usual!  I don't think it is only for those in a relationship, but a day for celebrating "love" in general and the appreciation and love we feel for our parents, children & friends. Since I was a kid, my Mom  always made this day special. She would set the dinner table with extra touches...flowers & pretty napkins. We'd eat dinner and then indulge in a yummy dessert as we opened our Valentine's. So, I think of my Mom with much love on this day for always making me feel loved, Valentine's Day or not.  Tonight, I will follow her traditions and enjoy a festive evening with Todd and Emma  as we celebrate the loving bond of our little family. I am thinking of Isla today and wish that she was here on earth with us. I bet my Mom is taking care of her in heaven!

I'd like to wish everyone a very happy Valentine's Day full of love and treats!

My little Valentine...love her so much!

Friday, February 10, 2012

I Believe...in Babies

You know how a woman will get her heart broken by a guy…..and then claims that she still believes in love? That is how I feel about babies.

I was pregnant at the same time as some other friends/acquaintances/face-bookers and as I was dealing with my loss, they went on to have healthy babies. I will admit that it was/is bittersweet to see the  pictures and happy announcements. But mostly, to see a new baby brought into the world is more of a “relief” to me. No woman should ever go through what I went through. Period. And to see the announcements of arrivals and pictures of happy families makes me smile…even if it is through tears reminding me of my loss. I consider Emma’s birth to be the happiest time of my life. The memories of those days are just so special to me and I was looking forward to experiencing that feeling again when Isla was born. I am hopeful I will have that chance again….but in the meantime, seeing the delight on the  faces of my friend’s and their newborns makes me smile. 

MUCH love to those of you experiencing a recent birth and/or addition to your family. I wish for you: quick nightime feedings, naps when they nap, good eaters and better sleepers, a heart FULL of love, great photo ops, and endless kisses on those precious cheeks. xoxo

Friday, February 3, 2012

February Photo Challenge

OK...so I started this challenge the other day and then I deleted the post....so starting over....catching up on the past 3 days!

This is a February Photo-a-day challenge...post a pic a day based on the list below. Thought it sounded like

Photo #1....my view at work...5 days a week!

Photo # 2: "Words" - my Mom passed away in 2000 and we put this on her mass cards that people took. It became a "mantra" for my sisters and I to survive our loss. My sister gave this to me as a gift and it is hanging over my bed. I think it is something to live by whether you have had a loss or not.

Photo #3: "Hands" - simply snapped a pic of my hands! A typical, every day look...my wedding ring and a good every day polish..."Prima Ballerina" by one of my favorite brands, Essie. I have to say...I am pleased with how my nails are looking!!!! They all seem to be the same length. I love to paint my own nails and change out my polish at least once or twice a week.

Tomorrow's photo will be interesting since I don't really plan on leaving my house. I am planning on cleaning out my closet, a task I both dread and yet look forward to. I hate to be tied up in my closet all day, but if desperately needs some organization. I will be much happier once all my stuff is in it's rightful place!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ink for Isla!

Before Isla was born, I had been thinking about getting a tattoo with her and Emma’s birthdates on it along with mine and Todd’s as well in a circle on my back because a circle is a symbol of forever. I was planning it as a tribute to demonstrate my adoration for my happy little family. In all honesty, I had never really been a big “tattoo person”! However, the thought of a tasteful and discreet tattoo appealed to me and I liked the idea of branding myself with my love for my family permanently!!

After Isla died, I knew for sure that I was going to get a tattoo, but I struggled with exactly what it was I wanted. I didn’t want to go ahead with the circle, because that is for my entire family and Isla’s death left that chapter open for us. We were no longer “done” with having children. So I started researching a design that would incorporate her, Emma and the possibility of a third child. But I liked my original idea for that with the circle of dates. Todd and I visited the tattoo shop while I was on maternity leave to see some examples and talk to a tattoo artist about ideas. The advice he gave was to think about what my family and/or Isla means to me and what type of artwork would be appropriate to symbolize that. I researched many designs on the internet that would include Emma and leave room for the next, but I decided to hold off and do that one at a later date. Due to her circumstances, Isla was worthy of getting her very own ink! I definitely wanted her name on it. I loved the unique name I had picked out for her and was sad that she wasn’t going to be able to bring the name to life. My other thought was that even though she had died, she was going to be part of us forever and I came upon the infinity sign….the perfect symbol of my infinite love for Isla. I found plenty of ideas for the design on the internet and my sister had even mentioned the idea of her name being part of the infinity sign. I thought about getting scrolls or floral “stuff” around it…but I really just wanted it simple. So I drew it out and wrote her name with a little heart dotting the “i” and made my decision to have it inked on the inside of my right wrist.

It didn’t hurt nearly as much as I feared it was going to!!! And it makes me smile to look down at her name, in my handwriting, permanently etched on the inside of my right wrist, along with the Tiffany Infinity bracelet Todd gave me for Christmas. I know I don’t need a tattoo to remember Isla but having it is my meaningful little tribute to the tremendous and infinite love I will always have in my heart for her. 

Getting "inked"! 

In process....