What Doesn’t Kill us Makes us Stronger

Well, ain’t that the truth?

 In my last post, I spoke of my readiness and hope to get pregnant again. Well….just a short time after that, my prayers were answered and we were absolutely relieved, excited and terrified to confirm I was pregnant and we were on our way towards fulfilling our wishes to add to our loving family! My due date was February 24^th and as the weeks went by we were cautiously optimistic about the good times ahead, with our hopes and dreams of Emma finally getting a chance to be a big sister!! I knew it was going to be a long 9 months of worry and anxiety, particularly as we approached the 38 week mark when Isla passed away. But I was full of courage and knew that I had the full support of Todd and friends and family as we anticipated Baby Santello’s safe arrival. We eventually told Emma the news and she was absolutely delighted to have another chance at being the big sister and immediately talked of how she was going to take on all duties pertaining to taking care of a baby! Todd and I were going to have it made!! We told some close family and friends, but I was very hesitant to make this news “public” before I heard a heartbeat or saw an ultrasound with a wiggling baby. I know most people do wait until at least the first trimester is over…but last time I think I spilled the beans around 9 or 10 weeks. This time I was so afraid to jinx it.  I visited the doctor at 9 weeks and thought they may listen for the heartbeat…but they didn’t. At that time, I think there is a 50/50 chance of hearing it, and I believe they didn’t even want to try in case they couldn’t because that would have really caused me to worry, even though I know it’s not guaranteed at that point.  I was disappointed since I had really been hoping to be assured of some sign of life. But, I was feeling tired and nauseous and cranky…so I figured, no news is good news, right?! I was having an ultrasound soon, so we’d just wait for our reassurance then.

At the beginning of my 11^th week, I noticed some slight spotting. It wasn’t totally worrisome, as that can be common in early pregnancy, but I felt the need to call my doctor because she had assured me she was there for me whenever I needed her. So I told her what was going on and she wasn’t too concerned but told me to come on in for an ultrasound in the office for reassurance. I was a bit nervous b/c it would be the same room that I learned of Isla’s fate. I tried to remain positive. However, I cannot deny that I had a really bad feeling as I was driving to the doctor. I had thought about having Todd come with me…but once again…I just wanted to stay positive and was trying to be brave.  I just couldn’t get the nagging feeling out of my head that I was going to see nothing up on the ultrasound screen.  I tried to chalk it up to being nervous about this pregnancy in light of what we’d been through…that it would be pretty normal to be so nervous. Anyway…yeah….when the image came up on the ultrasound screen, it was a big empty hole.  Sadly, where we should’ve seen what looked like a jumping bean, there was nothing. I knew…even though they had to send me to my Perinatologist for a more in depth ultrasound and confirmation.  Todd was waiting for my call and I didn’t have to say anything since he knew from my sobs that my fears were true.

This little one was not meant to be. He/She stopped developing at 6 weeks and just didn’t have what it needed to continue on.  Thankfully nothing was wrong with me…other than a broken heart and dampened spirit. The doctor’s said that sometimes these things happen and still see no reason for me to think I can’t go on to have another healthy pregnancy and baby.

After a few days of healing physically and emotionally, I came to terms with the fact that this wasn’t meant to be.  I am trying not to dwell on it and know that sometimes in life there are misfortunes we must face on the way to where we are going. This was definitely a blow to our family to have to deal with this so soon after losing Isla. But we have each other…so I know we are going to be OK.