It has been a while since I have written, so I wanted to
post an update. I really do want to keep this blog running…and I don’t feel as
if I have dedicated enough time to doing so.
The truth is I miss Isla lately and the dream that died with
her. Last night I was flipping through my 2011 planner/calendar pages and
everything was so happy as we were anticipating her arrival. I am trying to get
pregnant again and it seems to be taking longer than I care to wait. I know
that another baby is not going to replace Isla…but I am anxious to complete my
family, and I am anxious to give Emma the sibling she so desperately wants. I
am anxious to get pregnant again to reassure myself that I am not suddenly
infertile….and that I wasn’t not meant to have another child. Mostly, I long
for another baby to share the love of my wonderful family. We have so much to
give. Sometimes when Todd and Emma and I are all together, laughing or having a
good time, I feel so sad that Isla missed out on being a part of our family and
the good times we would have all had together. It is just so damn sad and
heartbreaking. We were SO close to having her here with us.
Anyway, I have these ups and downs, which I am pretty sure
is normal, especially during the first year. Feel like recent posts on this
blog have been a little sad (like this one) but I am mostly doing ok. I am fortunate to have a loving and
supportive husband in Todd, and my little Emma who absolutely lights up my
life. There is nothing better or more comforting to me than having them to go
home to at night, and share our family moments together.
Thanks to everyone who reads this and offers support! The
amount of support in the “Baby Loss” community is incredible and I intend to be
better at keeping up and maybe even changing a few things around on my blog.
xoxo
Katy
Katy. I know How much you miss isla. I know about laughing and loving and wishing your daughter was there to share in the joy and unity of your family. It's been hard for me too in lots of ways. The recent news of another BLM who's rainbow baby just died puts me on the brink and overflowing with tears this week. I don't know how long you've been trying to get pregnant but when you want it and after the loss we have both experienced the wait feels unbearable. I'm glad you are still here. This is your space to use as you need. I'm thinking of baby isla.
ReplyDeleteI think that hearing about the loss of Baby Evelynn put me on the brink too this week. I didn't follow her blog (hadn't found it yet), but read about it all over so many others, and followed a link to her story. I felt so very sad after reading about the shocking 2nd loss that poor Mom experienced. My heart hurts for her unbearable loss. And her pictures of her beautiful baby reminded me of Isla's pictures (she had the same kind of dark hair), so it brought me back.
DeleteHugs to you...
I find that I am mostly doing ok. But this week I was shocked back into a sadness that has hit me on a few occasions. Just gripping me with the missing, the longing, the wishing things were different.
ReplyDeleteThis space is our haven - we come as we need and there will always be a shoulder, open arms and kind thoughts.
Thinking of you, your Isla and all of your family Di xx
Thank you Di...xoxo
DeleteI think about you often Katy and check back here just in case I missed something! I have missed ya! Glad to hear you are still out there chugging along. I too am feeling the waves of grief lately, this dance with grief is ever-flowing; back and forth and back and forth. Not fun...Anyway, I will be praying for peace and comfort...
ReplyDeleteNicki
Yes, it does seem to come and go, randomly. It's nice to know you are out there with your support....thank you...xoxo
DeleteSo sorry to hear about Isla - we COMPLETELY understand the journey of growing your family after the death of a child and wanting SO BADLY to give a friend to your living child.
ReplyDeleteHH